Full of Bologna

Today's Headline - (CNN) -- Customs agents protecting the U.S. border with Mexico found and destroyed more than 800 pounds of bologna hidden under clothes in a man's suitcases, the Department of Homeland Security said Monday.
http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/04/25/smuggled.bologna/index.html

7 things wrong with this story (I was going to do 10, but I just got dumped on here at work again):

• Some guy is carrying 845 lbs of bologna with him. Are you kidding me? "Excuse me, are you just happy to see me, or is that a roll of bologna in your pants?
• He was taking the bus. You people mock me because I'm above riding busses. HELLO! People take bologna on the bus with them. Talk about riding the shame train. It's not just dirty people smell you have to worry about these days - it's the Subway Sandwich smell that really gets me.
• Is this story evidence of a bologna black market? Perhaps a black bologna market, if he's sneaking it across the border in his pants? My weiner has a first name...
• The Department of Homeland Security was involved. WTF? Did they catch him with their highly trained bologna-sniffing dogs? Perhaps a fat lady on the bus ratted him out because he wouldn't share?
• "The man planned to sell the food at a local swap meet" Again, you've GOT to be kidding me. Would you buy a 10 lb roll of bologna at the flea market? That's why God made Costco. Once more, for the slow people: Churros, Yes. Bologna, No.
• "In addition to the danger pork-based bologna could pose from animal diseases such as classical swine fever" Swine fever? How about the risk of catching gigantic-assitits?
• CNN is reporting this story. We have trains running into buildings in Tokyo, soldiers dying in Iraq and a stock market that's flopping around like an epileptic hooker at a Pink Floyd laser light show and CNN has this as one of it top 6 news items.

This is clearly evidence of a liberal media. Any self-respecting conservative would try to keep a lid on a story about an illegal immigrant trying to smuggle his "smoked meat" across the border. God only know, the Family Research Council will probably have a closed circuit broadcast to address the looming threat of smuggled pork byproducts to our national judicial system. Until next time...

Free Cat

Thanks Dave!

Smoke Signals

Time flies when you're working, taking midterms, being a dad and trying to move across country... I initially was going to write a post on a Wall Street Journal editorial piece that appeared in yesterday's paper, but realized that my thoughts would be preserved on the net for all time. That's probably not a good thing. The short version of the article - the secretary of housing makes the claim that blacks subsidize the white man's retirement program (Social Security), tying in death rates to retirement age restrictions. Given blacks make up 7-8% of the US population, not to mention the actual individual conrtibution blacks make (given they have had less oppotunities for a good education, limiting them to the worst jobs, at which they are paid less than whites - one of his arguments), I think our secretary of housing is full of CRAP. I'm hoping next week he'll write an op-ed on caucasians subsidizing welfare, which seems a bit more realistic. I know, I'm going straight to hell.

So, we have a new pope. I'm sure everybody was surprised to see Ratzinger come out as Benedict XVI. The whole process was about as anti-climatic as watching Titanic and wondering if Leonardo was going drown at the end. On the bright side, at least you got to see Kate's breasts in the movie. Ratzinger was John Paul II's enforcer (quite literally) and was nicknamed "the Grand Inquisitor" on more than one occasion, leading him to actually refute the title in an interview. Given his German roots (archbishop of Munich, theologian extraordinaire), I'm surprised other nicknames weren't used... Ratzinger has censured more people than anyone else on record and single handedly destroyed the liberation theology movement. Instead of dealing with tens of thousands of Catholics dying of AIDS in Africa or the church's "hands-on" approach to junior high catechism in the US, I'm sure we'll see him coming out on a host of other relevant issues instead, like women as deacons (you're at least a century away from women as priests, so let's see if they can bring the towels out to the priest), our Lady of the Underpass (http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/04/20/mary.underpass.ap/index.html) and Our Lady of the Grilled Cheese Sandwich (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6511148).

At this point, you're thinking "Wow, he's clearly racist (para 1). He hates Catholics, too. (the rest). If he starts talking about big noses and corned beef, I'm outta here." No, I'm not a Catholic hater. I guess the problem for me is that when I think of Il Papa, I think of John Paul II. I think of the pope that brought communism to its knees in Poland, which set off a global chain reaction that lead to "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall". I think of the pope that visited the faithful in a myriad of countries, inspiring millions as he drove around in the popemobile. I think of the man that somehow found a way to forgive his would-be assassin. Honestly, I think of the man that transcended the papacy. Now, I see an angry, ruler-slapping man, following in his footsteps. It's just disappointing, that's all. It's like hoping for a visionary and getting Jerry Falwell. Must have been how the Demos felt after 8 years of Clinton and then Gore won the nomination. If only Ratzinger had invented the internet...

Holy Anal Retentive Batman!

As many of you know, I'm throwing in the towel on the job and going back for an MBA, hence the "Man Whore for a Good Pinot Noir" alternative title. One of the things my school does to get you excited is set up a mailing alias for all current admits so you can bounce ideas, questions, problems, etc. off the rest of the incoming students. It's been a source of endless entertainment for me and several of my friends that I forward the good ones to. Today's selection is from Rohit (name changed so I don't get expelled - Rohit is actually a plastic surgeon friend in Texas) and is titled:

Plan for the research on housing and family matters and then lets divide the work

Apparently Rohit found the mailing list about 3 months too late and missed the first 2000 emails dealing with renting an apartment while attending school. After attending the school's social weekend, Rohit decides to take the initiative to organize a group of students to do research on local apartments because "I spent getting more info on the visa process and finding out more and more about (school)", which roughly translates to "I was wearing a lamp shade and still passed out on the floor at 2:00 in the afternoon because I partied too much at the Saturday night finale and I missed the apartment tours." So, after noting that "all of us are spending a lot of time on similar things and wasting a hell of a lot of time", he decides to put together a checklist and rating system that should be filled out by the mailing list to evaluate each apartment complex in Durham. And so the list begins:

• 1. Condition
• 2. Security
• 3. Safety
• 4. Noise
• 5. Landlord

Fairly typical stuff. Good job, Ro.

• 14. Website
• 15. Bills Inclusive of

Website? Ok. I'm guessing he's thinking that it would be convenient for students not in the local area, but I haven't come across too many apartment complexes with their own websites. I'm kind of lost as to what he's looking for with #15. Inclusive of what?

• 40. Opinion of the admits who have visited (scale 0-4)
• 44. Rating of member 4 of the group researching the apartment

Hold on there, Tonto. 4 different people researching each apartment, apart from people who live there? How big of a survey are we going for? Isn't this information in the binder they sent us, anyways?

• 49. Countrywise breakup of (school) FY students
• 50. # of (school) FY students with spouses/significant others
• 51. # of (school) FY students with children
• 52. # of (school) FY single students
• 53. # of (school) FY students sharing apartments

*knock, knock* "Hi, I'm filling out this survey on behalf of (school) and I'd like to know if you have an hour and a half to answer 87 questions regarding your apartment complex." On the bright side, someone definitely has a career in consulting ahead of them. *snicker*

• 64. Names, contact nos, email and country of the admits looking for roommates/apartment sharing in the complex

"Ve are compiling und registry. May I see your papers, please?" At this point, I'm poking myself with a pin and thanking god that I bought a 2000 square foot house, with my mortgage (including insurance and property taxes) coming in at $912 a month. I think Rohit looked back and reflected on his email, because the next line is "BUT, ONLY IF THERE ARE ANY TAKERS FOR THE CONFUSION DESCRIBED ABOVE." Wow. Newsflash Chet, aren't you the author of that confusion?

Lest anyone think he's finished passing down direction from on high, Rohit ends with "And I think that first all of us who have sent their deposits or have decided to send their deposits to the B school must enter our names and contact details in a new excel sheet in this group or alternatively we can add a new field to the existing excel sheet for contact details. We can just enter a Y in this filed for having decided to join ." Let me clarify, for those of you in the audience that chose to attend Wharton instead of (school). "I'd like to make another spreadsheet listing everyone who has sent in a deposit and then indicate whether or not they're going to the school." Holy mother of Excel. How many spreadsheets do you need?!? Why don't we have the researchers take a thumb print, too, so we can biometrically identify their results, thus ensuring that a less-than-worthy apartment complex doesn't sneak a fake review in? Another interesting question - do a lot of people send in $1500 deposits and decide not to go?

The next email in the thread was from John, responding to Rohit's proclamation - "Hey, if you log into the admit site, you'll notice there's a survey based on feedback from current and former residents that has already been completed for you." Oops. Buddy, there will be plenty of time to make spreadsheets in your immediate future...

Use Protection

Prefacing this with "I love my daughter more than anything else and wouldn't trade her for the world." Ok, maybe for a couple of cases of wine and plasma HDTV with a DirectTV Game Day subscription, but that'll never happen...

This whole thing started because of a commercial. Black background on the screen and then names of STD's pop up. Herpes. Aids. Gonorrhea. Etc. Point was to convince people to wear condoms. Clearly, the ad campaign was designed by some single guy in his late 20's thinking of all the creepy crawlies he could catch from a "two Cosmos and I'm on my back, three and I'm planning the honeymoon" woman at the local club. I'd like to suggest a more effective campaign - black background, white text - "Albertsons." Fade to a kid kicking and screaming on the floor because you won't buy her Count Chocula cereal. "Chili's" Fade to a kid throwing food across the restaurant at other people, with salsa dripping from her hair. "Rack of lamb at your favorite restaurant" No fade, just a voice saying "Your lamb, sir" followed by "Uh-oh, I made a poopie." If I was a high-schooler and saw that, I'd wear a hefty bag over myself before sex. And that's just the beginning.

Why do I have to dress my kid up with matching stuff when we go out? We went to the beach yesterday and she had matching FILA sweat pants and a jacket, which matched her socks, shoes and t-shirt. Did I mention she had matching pigtail bows? We even had a matching "Very Important Princess" diaper bag to go with it, instead of the usual baby blue one. I don't get it. My daughter is content to dress up like Scuba Dave and wear a red plastic bowl on her head for a hat. Really. Why do we have to color coordinate outfits to hair ribbons and socks? The kid isn't even TWO YEARS OLD. I could cut holes in a pillow case, drop it over her head and we'd be fine. Think of all the money I'd save. But no. Baby clothes from Old Navy and Baby Gap. I'm too cheap to shop at either place, but we're out spending $75 an outfit for something she'll grow out of in two months. Can you tell that I'm drinking at 12:41 in the afternoon?

Potty training. This, in and of itself, should be enough an argument to wear protection. We have at least 5 different kiddy books (all $7.95 a piece) on the subject of pooping. Now I don't know about you, but the last thing I want to do after a long day at work is come home and read "Everybody Poops" while I'm trying to scarf down dinner. "And Prudence has a little hole for making poopoo." That's an ACTUAL line in one of our literary masterpieces. Even more exciting is actually trying to keep her on the mini-crapper while I read these things to her. Yes, we went out and bought a special plastic potty, which even comes with a battery operated flushing sound when you pull the little handle down. Give me an hour with your high school aged kid. Screw protection, they'll NEVER have sex.

Finally (I'm running out of port), I'd like to broach one last topic. Depravity on the net. I realize that most of you know there are some sick things out on the internet. Do yourself a favor. Don't ever get a detailed web counter if you have a web page or a blog. In addition to tracking all of the people that hit your site (26 unique IPs and 84 hits in 3 days here), it also tracks how they come in. So, if you type in my address, I see "Self Referring/Bookmark" or if you click a link like Mercury Sound, I see where you come from. More disturbing, if you search for a string of words on Yahoo and bounce in, I see that, too. So, some loser from Canada ended up here by looking up "plumpers going shit" on Yahoo. After I got up from the floor (I couldn't stop laughing), I did, in fact, look up "plumpers going shit" on Yahoo only to find that I'm listed in the #4 spot because of a combination of words. Luckily, Janeane Garofalo is the first link listed, which I get endless satisfaction from. I'm sure she's off enjoying a carton of ho-ho's and lamenting four more years of Bush. The second link was derived from a search (also from a Canadian) on the following: erotic stories%2C babysitters changing diapers. Mr. toronto-HSE-ppp4310099.sympatico.ca , I'm going to pray a special prayer for you tonight. Very Special.

Sorry to end on a downer, but just couldn't help it on this one. Just think of me trying to eat dinner while reading "And Prudence has a little hole for making poopoo" and hopefully that will put a smile on your face. I need more port.

Sex, Lies and the Da Vinci Code

I cannot begin to tell you how many people have come up to me and asked "So, what did you think of the Da Vinci Code - wink, wink, nudge, nudge, eh? Jesus was a daddy!" I don't know if it's just one of those side perks that comes with a religious studies/history degree or what, but I've gotten it from at least 10 people and it's irritating. Like I have time to sit around and read a piece of fluff while working 50 hrs a week, taking a calculus class and attempting to be a dad/husband. Needless to say, the stars finally aligned and I found a copy of the book on a buddy's bookshelf as I was walking out the door for an 8 hour plane ride. After reading the book, I am once again reassured that the general population is comprised of blithering idiots with credit cards and a complete inability to discern fact from fiction.

Rather than bore you with long, drawn out theological and historical arguments against the book, I'm going to bore you with my thoughts about people who read it and think they've opened a doorway to a new spiritual world. Let's begin with THIS IS A FICTIONAL WORK. If you go to the bookstore and find a book in the fiction section, it is a made-up story. There may be some true points in the book (Yes, Virginia, there was a Jesus), but if Jesus has two kids, an angry wife and a cave with a white picket fence, there should be little flashing red lights in the back of your head. Sure, there are legends to support different aspects of the book, much as there are stories of a Loch Ness monster, a moon landing film studio in LA and my friend Sherman losing his virginity. Ironically, the three stories I just mentioned actually have more credibility than half of the Da Vinci Code (save the Sherman story).

I guess that's just the way things go. Oliver Stone makes a movie and everyone is convinced that JFK is gospel now. Sideways comes out and people start going to restaurants asking if the waitresses in the movie work there. I almost died when a restaurant manager was quoted as saying "People are so stupid. If you go to New Zealand, are you going to walk around asking if anyone has seen Bilbo Baggins? IT'S A MOVIE!" So, sadly, people are wandering around thinking "Wow, Jesus had a wife. Wow, the church goes around killing people. Wow, there are Hobbits in New Zealand. I wonder if Frodo is from the royal bloodline and knows where the Holy Grail is?"

So, as a service to my reader base of 4 people, I'm going to throw a couple of things out for you.

• There are hundreds of gospels. Sure, we have 4 in the New Testament, but everyone and their monkey wrote a gospel, put a recognizable name on it, and floated it around. Think of it like blogs. There are gospels of Thomas, Mary, James, Ralph... you name it.
• When you're reading historical texts, you're not getting the Walter Cronkite version of the news. That's just not how people wrote. Ever wonder why the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew turns out to be a Sermon on the Plane in Luke? Mountains were important in Jewish theology. Think Moses. Just like why there are two angels in one ressurrection account and one in another. You needed two witnesses to corroborate a statement to make it admissible in Roman courts. How many angels were actually there is irrelevant to the story.
• Developing point two further - gospels were written with a clear agenda. The Da Vinci code pulls from one that establishes women in a position of authority, hence God having a wife. The book doesn't mention this, but remember Jewish bloodlines are traced through the mother, not the father.
• Jesus as divine didn't pop up in 325 with Constantine. Read the Gospel of John in your bible. Read Justin Martyr. Read pretty much anything from ~100 AD on. The Cliff Notes version is that Christianity was heavily influenced by Greek philosophy. John 1 and the Logos doctrine is straight Neo-Platonism adapted to Jesus. Saying it magically appeared 200 years later is ludicrous.
• The church did lots of bad things over the years. When you have 2000 years of history, people tend to focus on the extremes, not the day to day life of the popes. Who is going to remember 400 years of pope's planting gardens when you can talk about the Crusades and the Inquisition?
• The church would LOVE to have a collection of scrolls talking about the bloodline of Christ pop up. Hello. They're fighting for relevancy in a world that doesn't care about church any more. The Dead Sea Scrolls were huge for the church. To think the Pope is going to go around having people killed to keep 2000 year old documents from surfacing is just crazy.

OK, I'm done. Feel free to blast me with comments.